you’ve been pathetic and useless for a year now.
Have you ever had someone do something really sinful to you? But then it was such a long time ago that you don’t really know what to make of it anymore? It was such a long time ago it felt like it almost never happened. But it did. It most certainly did. Because you can remember how it all started.
i think this is what i hate the most in relationships, having your neck gripped. this is how my past relationships got ruined. i break things up with them when i feel that i’m being caged too much already. this is a bit different though. i’m clingy when i’m clingy but i know my limitations. i’m busy for necessary reasons and she knows that. she says she understands that and is even telling me that she’ll be strict and encourage me about school, etc. but whenever i actually have to leave already and be busy and have lesser time for her, she gets kind of cold and disappointed. and all i thought she’d be willing to support and even encourage me. where is that now? her actions are contradicting her words and that’s what’s got to me last night. ofc if it were me, i would be too. like, who wouldn’t, right? the thing is, i’ve been making enough time for her. i don’t know if she sees that. i’m actually prioritizing her right now before school. she doesn’t even realize how i easily give in to her. i’m weak when it comes to that and i let her know that. i keep telling her to help me, she says she will but it doesn’t really happen and that’s where i’m really disappointed. she’s got me wrapped around her finger and i don’t even know if she even realizes that.
i’ve been feeling so miserable lately.
yet most of them are because of petty things.
petty things like not getting what i want right away
(but that’s because i’m already this close to getting it
but my rational self won me over and decided to push it away),
not being able to live like how we used to be (turns out
i still can’t accept that reality and i hate it),
seeing my parents struggle yet here i am sulking.
we don’t deserve this life. we deserve better.
and i hate how we’re like this now.
i want my life before.
i want to always get what i want
no matter how selfish that sounds.
but i can’t. at least not now
and it unnerves me.
i’m shutting myself away from people again.
even to that one person who deems me so important
in her life right now.
and i can’t help but even hate myself more.
it feels so selfish.
i’m placing this barrier from everyone else.
she may be mad, she might find this unfair.
but for some reason i felt i needed this.
i need my own solitude.
but i still feel bad no matter what.
i feel sorry, i feel remorsed. i feel worse.
i feel so bad like i’ve done something
but i know that isn’t the case.
i need to get a grip of myself.
yesterday, i talked about plans.
today, i’m going to talk about unplanned events.
and how it can sometimes be better.
skipped class, met friends, everything unplanned.
nothing’s ruined though so i was delighted.
ate, got to catch up with one another (somehow) and window-shopped.
it’s nice to be with friends like that every once in a while.
i was this close to telling my best friend something.
something i’ve never told anyone closest to me ever.
i’m afraid of judgment, of changes, of the treatment towards me after it.
i’m really scared.
i they (or at least her) can understand me.
will attempt at the what i think is the right timing then.
plans plans plans.
i love planning but i’m a “present” person.
i plan things and do lists for the day but nothing so far ahead.
i hate it when things don’t go according to my plans or if they don’t happen at all.
it’s one of the things that unnerves me the most and makes me snap.
plans, organizers, to-do lists, they give my life a sense of direction.
for a i-do-what-i-want type of person, this is somehow ironic and contradicting.
i’m spontaneous, unpredictable. i act on impulse.
but i love plans, just for the day. or a few.
i’m such a walking contradiction (most of the time).
earlier today, i skipped class.
i just went off somewhere, maybe to find my solace or just wander around.
i wanted to ride the MRT up to the last station but figured i wanted to be home early.
i went down on the third stop.
i walked around, the malls are still closed so i walked and walked and walked.
i just lingered for a bit when everything was finally open.
i’m glad i went out though and that made me feel loads better.
going there, i was a scowl.
on the way back home, i have this ghost of a smile.
this afternoon, i cleaned out and organized my working place.
i felt so happy doing it. it’s like some sort of therapy.
order, i’m slowly having it.